Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
You Might Also Like
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court