Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.