Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck