Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

#JohnTravolta

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭