Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes