Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.