Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms