Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
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I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Hmmmmmmm….
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen