Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
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Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Every time my phone rings
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”