Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.