Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
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Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I am never leaving this website
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.