Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk