Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

I feel it

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.