Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
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We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
buys donuts instead
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There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*