“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
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You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now