“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
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When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.