just gave your address to some spiders
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Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.