Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!