Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
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Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.