NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
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9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Good lord
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.