NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
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DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
True
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me