Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

i did the math

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.