Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

💀

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

I have never related to anyone more.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!