Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.