Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
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Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.