What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
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Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
“Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong.” – murderers, apparently.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?
doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.
Please don’t block me.