@ICantEven001

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

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@badbanana

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

@LizHackett

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

@two1ohhbabydoll

“Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong.” – murderers, apparently.

@PaperWash

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

@Hormonella

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

@FredTaming

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

@PJTLynch

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

@alexlumaga

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

@ch000ch

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

@diaruba74

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.