Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.