Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
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Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.