Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

sin harder.

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad