Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat