Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

Rather alarming headline…

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

Discuss

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

Seems a bit forward

Hit me in the face with a bird

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”