Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

Are you ok, human???

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

Sing it!

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”