Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
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“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.