‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
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WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.