‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
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20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My dad is at it again
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.