‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
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20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My dad is at it again
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that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
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My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.