‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
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DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*