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I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
How to wake up a Beagle
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO