Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same