“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
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Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.