Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.