Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.