NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
You Might Also Like
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.