NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
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They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
There is wisdom there.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
let’s discuss
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.