nyc:
You Might Also Like
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan