nyc:
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Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Alexa turn off the planet
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
*lint rolls you awake*
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out