NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
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Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Punctuation Matters. Period.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
For real 🤣
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
catch me on valentine’s day like
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
