NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
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If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?