NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
You Might Also Like
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.