Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn