NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
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me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.