NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
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If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Ain’t no way
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine