Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.