Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on holiday!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday

A woman drives into a bar.

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do