NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
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My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro