Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

I found your tweet-up…

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”