NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
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Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Oddly specific
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
i wish we could shoplift online
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!