NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
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When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Cool shirt 🙂
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.