NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
You Might Also Like
ok like just. call me at this point
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Stop correcting my vodkabulary