Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?

Me: I’m in morning

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

Spotted in New Orleans.

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.