Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper