NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
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The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
There’s only one good girl here!