Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

whatcha thinkin bout