NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
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15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?