Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

TODAY

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

Be Careful Driving

#BostonBlizzard2015

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

Someone just threatened to call me later

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

Me when my alarm goes off

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.