Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

real

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.