o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
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Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
selfie game
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.