Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

Hang in there buddy

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us