“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
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Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
#inspiration #foodforthought
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Alexa turn off the planet
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.