Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

good work, everybody

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.