Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

Mouse

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.