Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]

my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?