Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

School be like

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*