Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

I love it all

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

Battery falling down a hole

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

🍂🕷️🍂

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville