Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

🛁

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.