Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

Thursday Thought.

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!