Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

I’d hang this in my house.

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.