Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave