Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog