Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

*first date*

Her: I love strong guys…

Me: I would fight

Her: …with a playful side…

Me: with Mickey Mouse

Her: …and a naughty side…

Me: in bed

Her: what

Me: what

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

That’s not how days work.

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich