I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
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Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”