O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
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As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip