O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
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Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!