Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

💀😭