O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
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Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.