o shit
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(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else